Recovery is slow but promised

I looked at my last post, some time in September 2009. Things happened, my mind couldn't form words together to print. Then two days before Thanksgiving, my brother killed himself. Wednesday before Thanksgiving I cooked, Thursday - Thanksgiving I held hands around a table full of food thanking God for the ones I love and have loved in my life. Friday I traveled across the US to my brother's home. I met my only living sibling left, my little sister. We began the emotionally and physically draining tasks of clearing out my brother's belongings, setting up a memorial service and consoling his young daughter.

The busy-ness of tragedies have robbed me of necessary mourning and processing death. My little sister and I traveled to do the same thing when our sister died in 2003; leaving behind three children. Both siblings were single parents.

So, 6 months later I am just beginning to process...process what, I don't know. I feel the gravel working it's way out of my tissue to the top of my skin like horrible road rash has a way of doing.

I'm not in despair but often times feel like I am just looming around. Writing has always been my friend and often times I find God's words this way.

I'm on my way to a productive, one foot in front of the other type day. For anyone that reads this I hope you gain hope in knowing recovery may be slow but it is a promise I hold dear to; I hope you can too.

Making Amends

In my mind, making amends means un-doing something, taking something back, etc. I wish I could. I just finished writing someone a letter of apology for my behavior over 6 years ago.

I was in a lot of pain and was blinded to the pain of another. I was rude, judgemental, insensitive, and arrogant.

This was all to a child. Now, this child is an adult. We have no relationship with the exception of sharing the same family tree.

I wrote the letter with no excuse for my behavior, instead, I acknowledged what I did, how horrible and wrong I was and that I hope we can re-acquaint in the future. My shame is deep.

I'll mail it tomorrow. I prayed for the right words, now I'm praying for acceptance of my surrendering.

Not Just a Thursday

I wrote a friend and told her that I was thinking about her son who had turned his back on God and was very angry. She replied that they all needed prayer. She said her husband would be informing their church that he would be stepping down as senior minister. He is leaving the church and family for another woman. I am sick. Both are wonderful people. I hate when Satan attacks and when our guard is down.

I FB'd him that I was praying for him. He de-friended me. I'm still praying for him, her and theirs.

I weighed in. Gained .6 lbs. I'm not worried about it unless it happens again next week. I'm not eating enough. I have so many points (because I'm so over weight!).

Life is good for me. Each day brings chaos, sadness, devastation and pain to others. I know that. I know that not everyone had a good day and dreads getting up tomorrow. I know.