Another Meeting

I went to another Weight Watcher meeting. I lost 2 lbs. That's good news since I have really stuck to the program. In the past, I didn't always lose weight... I attribute it to not enough food or water.

I went for a walk the other day. It was very nice and I enjoyed it. I think the main reason I enjoyed it was the company I had with me and the gentle breeze.

Today is a busy day for me. I hope to accomplish some detailed tasks. My list may be over ambitious. I will try to prioritize just in case I don't complete the list by the end of the day.

It's overcast today. I'd love to stay in and look at magazines and lay around but the list calls and I must answer.

A great day to all!

Everyone is in a Program

In the Weight Watcher's bathroom there is a little poster that reads: H.A.L.T. Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. I'm familiar with this acronym from my Alanon days. The premise is that you are more vulnerable to your character defects or unwanted behavior when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.

While it was nice to see a familiar acronym that I used to help me through my co-dependant behavior, I never thought to use it to control my compulsion to eat.

I wondered is everyone in some sort of program? Are we all trying to recover from one thing or another? So what if we are. That just means we were conditioned, raised, trained, influenced, self-induced destructive and now we are all trying to change our paths. Take the road less traveled...the 'skinny' road, if you will.

Althought I know they are hurting, I'm excited when I see people in Alanon or Weight Watchers because I know they are making a change, turning the tide, breaking the chain. It takes a brave and humble person to go publicly (even though its anonymous) and express their need to re-wire. Bravo people! And Bravo to Me!

Now, before I get hungry I'm going to fix my 8 point dinner!

Inside Out 2

I'm consumed with eating...not what I eat. I know this has been the situation for as long as I can remember. When am I going to get to eat? What am I going to eat? Who will be watching? Who will be inventorying my consumption? Am I paranoid?

Today, I ate 2 egg whites w/cheddar cheese on skinny toast and 1/2 c. unsweetened apple sauce. It was good and I tried not to be cranky that I was now becoming aware of what I was (and wasn't) eating. I'm satisfied. Not hungry.

I've always been fat even when I weighed 115. When did this inner self decide that was who I was and would become? I don't know if that thinking will ever change. It may be a demon beckoning me back my whole life.

More later...

Inside Out

Today I started Weight Watchers. I've done WW before, years ago. It worked great. I went from 176 lbs. to 128 lbs. in 6 months. I maintained for a year. When my sister died suddenly I felt derailed in every aspect of my life. The year after she passed away my husband was admitted to drug rehab. I had already gained back 40 lbs. by then.

My life continued for 3 more years to gain chaotic speed. Now at 196 lbs. I am finally mentally and spiritually ready to make the necessary change to be physically healthy. At 45 my body is much older than my spirit and I don't like that.

I'm doing some things differently this time. I'm not cheating like I did before. I never counted salad dressing before because it made me bitter that I couldn't have salad dressing for free (point system). I'm not going to be consumed with the weight number itself. I'm more eager to feel better, go farther and wear clothing that buttons.

I am soon to have an empty nest and will need to fill that emptiness. This time, instead of filling my emptiness, lonliness and any sorrow I may have, with food...I'm planning on using that energy to be around longer and stronger.

I'll keep you posted.